Confusion of the Heart

I don't understand what is going on in my head. I don't know what I want. Well thats not completely true. Its like...my head wants one thing and my heart wants another thing, which sounds like a corny line from a movie, but bear with me. My head wants to be alone, it wants to travel, it wants to experience new things, new places, new foods, new languages. It wants to be free in all aspects of the word. It wants to take advantage of independence, to only be responsible for itself, to grow and flourish.

But my heart? How can I explain what my heart wants? It wants to be held and captured, to be enchanted. It wants to be dependent on another. It wants to be flirted with and seduced. And it wants the attention of the sort of people that are totally wrong for it, that will only hurt it in the end.

How am I going to rid myself of that portion of my life? I don't want to see the people that can do nothing but harm me and want to be close to them. That doesn't even make sense! My head is telling me that they are dangerous, that they would only hurt my heart, that I should look the other direction. Yet I am still intrigued by them and would be almost willing to throw away all common sense and discretion just to get to know them. And for some reason, I want that struggle to be there. I want to be faced with the decision to be wise or to go forward with wreckless abandon.

Part of me says that I am being way too cautious, that I need to have some fun and really experience my age before its gone. The other part of me says that I need to grow up and realize what the consequences of my actions could be, and that I would just get hurt in the end.

This fight inside me really hurts. Mostly because both sides of me are beating up the other side. The wise side is smacking the foolish side upside the head because I'm being stupid. The foolish side is smacking the wise side because it needs to loosen up a bit.

Still hurts though.

Even though I’d be sacrificed,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me, I’m all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?